So my job was to get people into the lounge, which is the size of a large bathroom. There were about 20 people lined into it. We naturally formed a circle (like a prayer circle at church) and right when we were all counted and some seated, the lights went out. I don’t know what was more awkward, the silence in the light or the vulnerability in the dark. But what was interesting to me is how close I felt to total strangers in this little moment. Because we were so packed in, there was no room for overt judgment…embarrassment maybe, due to all the grumbling stomachs cuing lunch time, but no judgment. I sat on the floor next to my supervisor and she instantly went from being an annoying, quirky, flip-haired, middle-aged southern woman, to an elder. That was all she was at that moment, an older soul in a room full of souls. That’s apparently a thing. Dropping your skin and just being part of wherever you are. All the titles and headings were shed. We were all still strangers, but a little less now. In those brief moments, we were forced to not casually ignore each other, as the social norm of being out in public among strangers goes. We were not students, we were not employees, not construction working hard hats, not soft-footed high school students. We were not white, black, native american, we were just an impromptu silent prayer circle. A pocket of breath holding itself for a moment. It was pretty awesome.
I wonder if I’m the only one who felt that.
Ah well, back to [whatever] reality [I choose to create].
Is the fact that I am capable of loving again. That there is someone out there who can incite and excite, and recite me more than he did. And I loved him so much that that concept seems almost impossible to grasp. The idea that there is someone out there more fitting for me than he is…it’s so bizarre to me. Do you understand that even my body misses him. I’ve got hips for him. Thighs for him. Arms for him. And before I can embrace letting someone else in I have to reclaim myself. I didn’t even realize that while I was missing him, I went missing.
But this is what I’m beginning to know- there is actually somebody who is actually FOR me. His legs are mine, his hands are mine, he’s already mine. That’s a scary ass thought. But it’s delicious too.